Saturday, May 19, 2012

Thought we were having a baby, but we had an angel instead

May 20th, this is a hard day. Today was my due date for our first child who is now our angel watching over their little brother Nolan. I pray that I get to hold Nolan here on Earth and watch him grow, daily. It is never easy to lose a child, no matter at what point in their existence it might be.

We were so over joyed to find out we were pregnant less than two months after being married. And the day we called to tell our immediate family my sister in law, Lauren, had just taken a pregnancy test and hers was positive as well! We couldn't believe the blessing we were just given to have family go through this joyous time together. I have always dreamed of being pregnant with one of my sisters, I never had a sister until my brothers got married, and now I was having one of my biggest dreams come true. Lauren's baby was due 13 days after my blessing. I dreamt of them growing up together and getting to always have a cousin at family gatherings their exact age to hang out with.

Then when we went to the doctor's office on November 8th only to find out our baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks and there was no heartbeat, my dream was altered. I was unable to have my dream of giving birth with my sister in law, but now their blessing meant that much more to Greg and me. We were unable to hold our baby here on Earth but we would be able to watch theirs grow and imagine how ours would be at that age. Their child would help us to more frequently think of our angel.

In January  we found out Brad & Lauren's baby was a boy, Lane Ellis Geary. We couldn't wait to see him. We knew he would have the most beautiful lips, the kind women pay for, and couldn't wait to see what other attributes he got from which parents.

And then on February 14th we found out we would still be getting a blessing from God, we were pregnant again. Now Lane still got to have a cousin his age at family gatherings to play with. Knowing I was pregnant again made it easier to attend Lauren's shower. I know its a bit selfish but it was hard to see her belly after losing my first. But being pregnant again helped me get over that because I was getting my dream again to be pregnant with Lauren.

Kinda a bit of a tangent but, I have always thought I wanted to go to a psychic who could tell me what was going to happen to me in the future. However, after this past year I have totally changed my mind. I could hear a psychic tell me the good things but I not the bad. I think that not knowing what was coming allows us to enjoy the time we do have while not knowing. I feel that if we don't know then we can be happy for a while and not just focus on the upcoming heartache.

And that is what happened, for the third time, to my family, in a year on Friday May 11th. Lauren went in for a routine check up, she was 37 weeks, but they could not find Lane's heartbeat. After an ultrasound to confirm their findings Lane was not moving. Lauren was admitted to the hospital later that night to go through labor so they could check out Lane to figure out exactly what happened to Lane in utero that caused him to stop breathing. Just as we thought, Lane was stillborn Saturday May 12 at 4:46 pm EST with the cord wrapped around his neck twice.

My family, especially Lauren and Brad, are now dealing with a third family loss in one year. Lane was a perfect 5 lbs 6.1 oz and had the perfect lips we expected. He was 37 weeks 1 day, a viable age even without a NICU stay. It makes this that much harder, along with other events leading up to Lauren's appointment, our family is at the anger stage of coping. At this day in age, with the technology that we have available to us, no child should be lost due to a cord wrap. Greg and I both were born with the cord wrapped once around our necks and that was back in the 80s. Now, almost 30 years later this should not be a case for a fetal demise.

Greg and I are hurting on another level as well. I know my entire family is going to miss seeing Lane grow up, but we were looking at Lane as the child who was now in heaven. He meant that much more to us because our angel was supposed to always be his age, every step of the way. And now we don't get to see him grow up either. And now, with a miscarriage and a now a stillbirth, my family is very on edge with our little one, Nolan.

Lane has the perfect remembrance day, May 12th. It fits with our family of 12's, Dad - June 12, Bobby - September 12, me - November 12. We will always remember Lane and love him daily. But now he does get the original wish I had, he and our angel are together and now get to watch over us and his little siblings until we see him again in heaven. We may not have been able to have our first babies but we have our angels instead to watch over us. We can't wait until we get to hold them again with all of our loved ones we miss daily, in heaven.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012


We are now 16 weeks and 3 days. I got all excited when reading the weekly updates from the MANY baby websites that I subscribe to, and they told me all the advances Nolan would be going through this week. First, he can hear! So now I need to watch what I say, and my yelling. But that also means I can get belly buds! I think I have dropped enough "subtle" hints to Greg that those would be a great mother's day gift. I can get those already, right? ;)

But the other thing is that this is the earliest I could possibly start feeling Nolan! Oh I can't wait, and I think I did! I was sitting at work yesterday and just reading a book and felt a little butterfly! And then again a few seconds later. I am almost positive it was Nolan! Hopefully I will be feeling him more frequently and more distinctly from now on.

We have our next doctors appointment next Thursday, 10 days to go. We will almost be 18 weeks then.

I also want to recognize my amazing, very talented and thoughtful aunt Martha. She is knitting Nolan a blanket that I hope he adores as much as I already have. The thread Martha picked is specifically bought from a website where the proceeds go to Share, a group designed to provide for support to those who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss.

After reading where my aunt bought the yarn for Nolan's blanket it really hit me about our first baby. We are VERY excited for Nolan but we are also very sad that we will not be able to hold our first child here on Earth. But I hope that baby knows how much they are loved, and will always be remembered and loved by our entire family. I know they are looking down on us and keeping and extra close eye on their little brother Nolan.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Counting the days

I am doing a lot of counting down these days: counting down the days until my next appointment, counting down the days until I get to see my baby (and drink alcohol again), and definitely counting down the days until the summer so I can get started on Nolan's nursery.  Check out my pinterest boards:

It has been so hard to concentrate since I learned our baby was a boy. My registries are looking as big as my wedding registry. I know I won't get everything but its a great place to get objects placed in my dreams. I can dream about doing specific things with Nolan, like walking Lacey with him in a specific stroller, or feeding him his first solid food in a certain high chair. I was nervous that the dreaming and mystery would fall a little dull after I found out he was a boy, but it has only multiplied. Now I can dream specific dreams with my little boy.

Now if only I could get my worries to go away. I guess it comes from having had a miscarriage, but I feel as if I worry about everything. I haven't gained much weight and that makes me very nervous. But a major comfort has been discussing these fears and worries with friends who have had children or are expecting. Thank you to everyone who has listened to my babbling and provided words of comfort and guidance.

Pregnancy comes with glorious hormones. Oh the hormones. I feel so bad sometimes for those around me because I KNOW I am being a b***h but the word vomit still comes out. Greg is a saint after dealing with me, and I am not even half way through this. I feel drained by the end of the day and my already short fuse is at its end, and who is the only person I see, my doting husband. I feel very blessed to have found such a wonderful man to be my husband and baby daddy, Nolan is one blessed child.

Ok I am just rambling now. I will see the doctor again in two weeks, these 4 weeks between check ups have been torture waiting to see my little man again. I can't wait to see him again! Update yall soon!